Happy belated New Year from Zurich. It's been a while since I last
posted something on my blog and there are reasons for that. I've been
debating with myself as to whether I should mention what has actually
been going on behind the happy pictures on Facebook and have decided
that why not. I have nothing to be embarrassed about and those around
me already know and have been fantastic in showing their support and
love. So here goes:
In
January last year I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital here
in Zurich for eights weeks with postnatal depression. This is
obviously an experience both Paul and I could have been without, but
fortunately I was able to get treatment when I needed it most. Since
my 'realease' I continued to see a psychiatrist once a week.
Unfortunately, in November, after having had three different jobs
since March (made redundant from the first one; didn't pass my
probation period in the second one and left after four weeks in the
third one after a breakdown) it became clear that I was / am still
depressed and in need of more help. Hence, I am now receiving
treatment at a day clinic where I go four times a week
for different kinds of therapy – and I continue to see my
psychiatrist. This sucks and was definitely not how Paul and I
envisaged starting family life. But hey, trials and tribulations are
all part of being human.
I don't want to belittle or attempt to appear flippant about my condition, but I'm pleased to have realised that something good has emerged from this situation (apart from me getting help):
1. My German has improved considerably! All the staff as well as the other 'patients' at the hospital and now clinic speak (Swiss) German and so does my psychiatrist. (She does speak some English but I prefer to be the one looking for words and not the other way round.)
2. I have been introduced to 'mindfulness'.
3. I have discovered that I find baking and cooking relaxing! (!!)
I wish you all a happy and healthy 2015 and am looking forward to updating this blog more regularly this year.
Congratulations on sharing your experiences, Karen. I think you are very brave and you are of course, correct, there is no shame as many people post-natal depression and indeed depression. I have had many blocks of depression in my life and at my worst switching on the radio on, making a cup of tea, and actually getting out of bed were high points. I am very, very glad that you have the love, support and guidance you need and wish you much self-compassion and gentleness on your continuing journey. Enjoy your adventures in cooking and baking- have to say I've salivated at some of you - non-meat ;-)- experiments.
ReplyDeleteHi, thank you so much for your kind comment. :-) I hope you have been and are getting help to manage your state of mind - I know that once I accepted I needed help something shifted in me and I started to see a shimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel! Even though it's a long, difficult and uphill battle to get back on track. (And the fear of falling into another deep hole again will probably always be there...) I currently have some cheese and onion soda bread in the oven, so let's hope they come out well! Thanks for reading my blog. Karen x
DeleteThanks so much for sharing your experience, Karen. I'm really glad to hear you are getting the help you need. Even if it's not how you envisioned life starting off for your family, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for all of you.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way from the States!
Thanks, Kristin! I wish you lived closer by as I often think about you and wonder how you're doing. Luckily we have Facebook! :-) And once again congratulations on finishing your first marathon! Love, Karen x
DeleteI just typed out a comment here, but it vanished after I chose a "comment as" profile. Not that what I wrote was such brilliance, but arrgghh.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I didn't know that you were going through this. As you know, I can relate only too well to the issue of wading through depression - though of course I don't know what postnatal depression, specifically, is like. All I can say is that you are not alone, and you are loved and admired by many, many people. It's great that you have found joy in cooking and baking! Keep focusing on what you enjoy. I try to fill myself with as much positive, alternative information as possible - podcasts, books, YouTube videos, etc. - things that remind me that we are more than our job titles, or our Facebook profiles, or any of that ultimately superficial stuff by which our culture judges us. Your sense of humor and big heart are irreplaceable.
Thinking of you and sending you love!
Dear Lisa, what a lovely message! I have thought about you a lot over the past year as I know that you of all people, as you say yourself above, can relate to me. I feel really bad that I never realised how unwell you were when we first met. Had I known what I know now about depression, I hope I would have been a better friend to you. I want you to know how happy I am about us being back in touch again. Lots of love and thoughts, Karen x
ReplyDeleteAww, Karen, thank you so much. Most very well-meaning people don't know what to say or how to deal with someone who is depressed. It's a very, very slippery thing that can seem, from the outside, like something one can just "get over" if they're determined enough - and so understandably frustrating to witness. The horrible thing about depression is that almost anything can be used for self-flagellation, including the inability to get over depression.
DeleteSo very glad that you are getting help and are surrounded by a loving family. You will pull through! I love your blog and am very happy we're in touch again, too.
xo
Lisa